Being a Burden

Elder care issues can be tricky. We don't want to go against our loved ones' wishes or encroach too much on their territory or privacy. We want to trust them when they tell us that they're doing fine. It can sometimes be impossible to know when there's a problem brewing, and sometimes when it's obvious there's a problem we can meet with resistance when we try to take steps to solve it.

Here's an example. Recently, we began to notice that a relative of ours had a noticeable mildew smell on his clothing when we would see him. He passed it off as an effect of living in a basement apartment and hand-waved attempts to enter the apartment to check it out. Though this was upsetting, we let it go. A chance series of events led to another relative having to enter the apartment this past weekend. Drum roll please...

Mold and insects and filth everywhere. Dirty laundry. Unusable, rusty appliances and kitchen items. Surfaces that haven't been cleaned in years. Rotting smell, almost intolerable. And yet this must've been something that he gradually got used to, and he refused attempts to help with errands and laundry and grocery shopping because he didn't want to be a burden.

Guess what -- there's been round the clock cleaning all weekend, with no end in sight, and tossing of mounds of stuff that is dangerous to his personal health and safety. Shopping trips to replace a bunch of basic necessities that had to be thrown away. Possibly more trips if a lot of the clothes are not salvageable. But it will steadily improve, and now he will have to be taught to take care of himself and his surroundings again.

What's the answer for the rest of the elders out there who need care that they're not currently getting? Beats me. I think it's going to keep me up at night.