Sending Me Packing

A colleague and I are driving to Boston on Sunday morning for a business trip. This is a huge undertaking for my company. At least 50 employees travel to this meeting every year -- condensed matter physics, the largest of our topical meetings. 8700 attendees have preregistered, and hundreds more always register on site.

Two coworkers have asked us to take suitcases for them, to avoid airline hassles of checked luggage so they can merely skip by with a carry-on bag. We're taking so many work related things anyway, and it's only the two of us, so we're happy to oblige. I have the two suitcases in my possession, ready to go. Five day trip. Both are half the size of mine! Boy am I humbled.

Now, I realize I need more room because I bring several skeins of yarn for crocheting. And I have reading materials. And a bathing suit, and workout clothes. And pajamas. And four work outfits and some casual clothes. But I thought I was a pretty low maintenance kind of gal. Guess not.

&%$#@

Anyone who knows me personally is well aware that I don't mind peppering my speech with cuss words on occasion, for amusement and variety and for the simple reason that they have precision. However, as a rule I don't use them to hurt people. As a lover of language, my vocabulary is such that I would much rather use five dollar English words to insult someone...but I don't intend to be insulting as a rule either.

I am becoming increasingly appalled to see widespread use of name calling online, via Twitter, Facebook, blogs, etc. where it would merely be appropriate to agree to disagree. Even if someone else is immature and says something provoking, so many people keep taking the bait and rising to the challenge of who can be more vicious in the ongoing dialogue. I remember the game "Got Ya Last" growing up...but it was a kid's game and should have remained a kid's game.

This morning I became aware of a stream of comments on a professional (industry) blog that deteriorated into the questioning of people's intelligence and integrity. The Twitter component, where people have only 140 characters in which to make a single point, was characterized by swear words and "making it personal." Mind you, this was all expression of difference of point of view and philosophy on a work related topic.

I know we're all human and therefore imperfect, but do we really need to be having a contest to see how immature we can become and how low we can stoop? Our kids are watching us on the Internet too, as they are in the home and the car and the supermarket etc. and do we really want to give them that example? Sigh.

Fisticuffs and Stupidity

Within a week, our family has had two new school disciplinary experiences: detention and in-school suspension. I guess that's pretty good for the length of our tenure as parents; our oldest is 15. The first event was due to the silliness of a gaggle of guys, without giving thought to how their private joke would be perceived when viewed publicly. The second event came about because of a loss of temper and composure after some verbal sparring at the lunch table. Getting into a fist fight at school is apparently a highly punishable offense these days, and we were advised that local law enforcement is often called in to consult. In the seventies it seemed like standard schoolyard justice for everyday minor conflict. Who knew?

The dean of discipline (yes, we have those nowadays too) only gave our son one day of in-school suspension for the fist fight because it's his first time. He said that most kids do not repeat this. However, they have a small group of habitual fighters who stay in trouble until they graduate high school -- if they graduate. As a card carrying pacifist, I can't imagine getting into ONE fist fight on purpose, no less making a career of it. What I want to know is: what is the tipping point for these kids? Do they throw in the towel and figure that they're not capable of any other way of solving their issues? Or do they enjoy the badass reputation, in spite of its drawbacks? Are there contributing factors of low self esteem and perceived lack of potential in life?

We have counseled our son to think hard next time about how "worth it" it is to pick up his hands to someone, and how "worth it" it may be to develop a personal strategy of forcing himself to calm down when he realizes someone has just lit his fuse. And we are hoping there are no repeats.

Oooooh, Growin' Up

The kids are now 15, 13, and 10. Older two are bona fide teenagers. Youngest thinks he is, as a matter of association and assimilation.

During the late sixties and early seventies, my formative years brought constant reminders from my "elders" that kids were to be only occasionally seen and rarely heard. "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you" always brought a laugh but contained a liberal dose of the truth. Overall, things are different in American culture these days, probably way too much so. But I do try to be sensitive to my kids' feelings because I recall what it was like and I want them to have a stronger sense of self than I had. I didn't build the confidence I needed as a young adult until I was WAY into my twenties...at least fifteen years behind schedule according to me.

So where's the happy medium? I'm struggling with it much more lately, as the kids are becoming much more forthright with their comments about the adults in their lives. This one is lazy, this one doesn't practice what she preaches, this one thinks he's all that but is very limited, this one has no business telling us what to do because her life is a mess and her kids are screwed up. Mind you, their observations are impressively accurate BUT they are very drilled down and do not take into account all the extenuating circumstances that we gr'ups have to face in this millennium.

Luckily, most of these impressively accurate observations are shared in the safety of our own home, such as during dinner table discussions. Some complaints about their father are shared with me in confidence, and I shudder to think what is said about me (though I do encourage them to tell me what I can do to become a better human being). They must be reminded that they are allowed to have all the opinions they want, but they must be respectful and careful if they dare to share their negative opinions with the adult objects of their criticisms. This is particularly true if said adults have the authority to inflict negative consequences!

I'm sure I'm not doing it 100% correctly, but I hope I'm improving on my own childhood. Time will tell.

The Choice Isn't Yours

I just finished Jaycee Dugard's memoir, "A Stolen Life." She was abducted on the way to school when she was eleven and did not resurface until 18 years later. She lived in a squalid collection of sheds and tents in a large hidden backyard, and bore her captor's two daughters when she was 14 and 17. At an age when many of today's youth are just leaving the nest, she'd endured a lifetime of abuse and somehow managed to retain enough strength and kindness to have done well nurturing children and pets.

Of course she reflects that, as a kid, she was relieved not to have had to go to the dentist or to deal with social issues in school while she was living in captivity, but she also did not have the opportunity to grow into an adult who had experience making decisions and standing on her own two feet. She had no choices. When she was taken out of that environment by law enforcement officials, she was not at all equipped to function in the world. Thankfully, help has come from many different sources including excellent reunification therapy. It sounds like she and her family will do just fine.

It occurs to me that many people, having their kids' best interests in mind, shelter them to a great degree and they have the same kinds of anxieties and uncertainties about going out into the real world. What kind of bread or milk to buy when heading into the grocery store? Does this sweater go in the washing machine or to the dry cleaner? What happens if the deli person makes a mistake -- eat the wrong sandwich or speak up? etc. etc.

No one has the magic wand to create a capable adult. Building this impressive creature is a process. Bit by bit, through trial and error, reinforcement of good and dismissal of bad, laughter and tears. It should be done to a large extent before the adult goes out into the world, though. If not, we get the "sink or swim" situation, and it's tough for a person to calmly sort out possible alternatives and choose the right one when in the middle of a "fight or flight" moment. Monday morning quarterbacking can be painful if done on one's own, and can erode confidence if it contributes to "poor poor pitiful me" instead of being a learning tool.

I endeavor to recall this incredible woman's words as I continue to do the parenting thing.

Cannons Roar

Is it fear? Is it anger? Is it lack of confidence and trust in oneself?

I think if there were a toolkit called Conflict Management for Dummies (is there? LOL) it would have more than a hammer and a blindfold. Or, it should have more. So help me, I grew up in a house where one parent had a hammer and one had a blindfold. Worse than that, the one with the hammer also had a bullhorn. After spending 40+ years working on my interpersonal relationship skills, and fully with the realization that this process will never be finished, I am continually astounded when I see and hear others attempt to solve conflicts via one of these two methods but not attempt to avail themselves of the myriad options in between.

What does anyone feel when intimidated, threatened, or attacked? Fight or flight, I'm thinking. Is anyone motivated to explore creative solutions for mutual benefit under those circumstances? On the other side of the coin, is anyone motivated to change behavior when the other party in a conflict runs away?

What makes sense to me is: when I would like something different to happen, the first thing is to see whether changing my own behavior will help, and will also not be harmful or counterproductive. Usually it is a combination of a change in my behavior which helps influence someone else's decision to change his or her behavior. But what influences someone else to decide to do something differently -- something that will positively affect me?

I don't think my yelling or screaming or crying or engaging in self mutilation will get the results I want from the other person. If the other person cares a lot about me, sometimes it is enough to say I'm being hurt. But often it is necessary to present, in a non confrontational way, the side of the other person and how it will be beneficial to him or her to do something else -- or to at least entertain the thought of doing something else. If you can get the person to think about it, and be comfortable enough to suggest an alternative which would also be mutually beneficial but more attractive to his or her point of view, everybody wins.

Can I change the world? Who knows. Just in case, I'm going to pick up my bullet proof vest from the dry cleaners.