Cannons Roar

Is it fear? Is it anger? Is it lack of confidence and trust in oneself?

I think if there were a toolkit called Conflict Management for Dummies (is there? LOL) it would have more than a hammer and a blindfold. Or, it should have more. So help me, I grew up in a house where one parent had a hammer and one had a blindfold. Worse than that, the one with the hammer also had a bullhorn. After spending 40+ years working on my interpersonal relationship skills, and fully with the realization that this process will never be finished, I am continually astounded when I see and hear others attempt to solve conflicts via one of these two methods but not attempt to avail themselves of the myriad options in between.

What does anyone feel when intimidated, threatened, or attacked? Fight or flight, I'm thinking. Is anyone motivated to explore creative solutions for mutual benefit under those circumstances? On the other side of the coin, is anyone motivated to change behavior when the other party in a conflict runs away?

What makes sense to me is: when I would like something different to happen, the first thing is to see whether changing my own behavior will help, and will also not be harmful or counterproductive. Usually it is a combination of a change in my behavior which helps influence someone else's decision to change his or her behavior. But what influences someone else to decide to do something differently -- something that will positively affect me?

I don't think my yelling or screaming or crying or engaging in self mutilation will get the results I want from the other person. If the other person cares a lot about me, sometimes it is enough to say I'm being hurt. But often it is necessary to present, in a non confrontational way, the side of the other person and how it will be beneficial to him or her to do something else -- or to at least entertain the thought of doing something else. If you can get the person to think about it, and be comfortable enough to suggest an alternative which would also be mutually beneficial but more attractive to his or her point of view, everybody wins.

Can I change the world? Who knows. Just in case, I'm going to pick up my bullet proof vest from the dry cleaners.