Ogres Are Like Onions

When we get to know someone who becomes a friend, the first layers of personality that we see are often attractive to us.  Sense of humor.  Easy to talk to.  Helpful.  Common interests and opinions.  Lots more than that, probably.

As time goes on, we are bound to expose layers that may be annoying or distasteful.  Insensitivity.  Fear of discussing sticky issues.  Tendency to complain or obsess.  Some conflicting moral fiber, possibly.  A couple of physical nits, maybe, such as a laugh that's a bit too loud or nasal.  But, in solid friendships, we can get past a small collection of these low points because the complete package is still so attractive.

What do we do when we realize, somewhere down the line, that we have kept exposing these sour layers to the point where the entire picture seems crisscrossed with them?  Maybe we've uncovered a major issue such as the realization that a friendship is really one sided, or we realize that we are often smarting from an increasing frequency of harsh judgment.  It can be painful to leave things the way they are, but even more painful to disengage from the relationship...particularly if this is a person who is a neighbor or coworker or someone else you cannot avoid seeing on a regular basis.  What then?

In my struggle to find the right answer for myself, it seems that we must grieve the loss of a relationship as we would grieve the loss of a loved one who has passed on, whether we're mourning a friendship that was once terrific but has deteriorated or whether we're mourning what we thought was a terrific friendship but is not so in reality.  Whether it is possible to gracefully back away, or whether one must dramatically cut the cord, depends on the exact circumstances.  I hope that sharing my thoughts will help you with your own disappointments.  I remain ever appreciative of my support network.